Two-Door Dinosaurs: 1981 Mercury Grand Marquis vs. 1977 Buick Park Avenue

Welcome back to Shitbox Showdown! Today we’re focusing on an extinct type of car: the full-size two-door luxury sedan. I’m not talking about personal luxury coupes, but two-door variants of cars are usually sold as four-doors. You’ll need good parking spots to unlock these doors.

But let’s take a look at yesterday’s results from the 1990 Dodge Dakota Convertible vs. 1990 C4 Chevy Corvette battle. I’m a little surprised by this one; I thought it was going the other way based on the comments. The Corvette ended up winning, and by a huge margin. Several commentators said that the Vette is really the odder of the two, and therefore less exciting, but maybe that worked in its favour? Better the devil you know and all that.

For me, it has to be the Dakota manual transmission. I really like C4 Vettes, but I can’t stand the later interior. I would have to have the original with a square dash. Besides, a convertible truck is my kind of weird.

Now then: Two-door cars are rare these days, but there was a time when almost every car that came with four doors was also available with only two, including full-size sedans. Today we will look at two such cars, one from GM and one from Ford. Both are depopulated, but neither is what you’d call depopulated. Both of these cars are courtesy of the Underappreciated Rescuers Facebook group. Let’s examine them.

Engine/drive system: 302 cubic inch overhead valve V8, four-speed, RWD

Location: Des Moines, IA

Odometer reading: 82,000 miles

Operating mode: It runs and runs well

Raise your hand if you’ve never seen a square two-door Panther before. That’s what I thought. Ford actually offered the Crown Victoria and Mercury Grand Marquis as a companion until 1987, but they didn’t sell nearly as many four-door sedans. Less than 5,000 such Mercurys were built. And I bet not many when all were green-on-green.

Matching interiors and exteriors are all but gone these days too, unless the car’s exterior is gray or black. The green color is amazing, and I absolutely love it. The faux woodgrain is the icing on the cake. And it looks like it’s all in good shape, too. The dealer says it has some minor cracks in the dash, but nothing I can see from here.

This Grand Marquis is powered by Ford’s good old 302 V8, equipped with a two-barrel carburetor, and backed by an AOD overdrive automatic. It runs and drives great, and has a new carb and new alternator. It’s not fast, but it shouldn’t be; this car is all about cruising the highway in comfort.

It looks clean-as-a-whistle on the outside as well, although these four photos are the only ones in the ad, so it’s hard to judge. I’m sure the parts we can’t see are just as beautiful. Yes, five grand is a bit much for a malaise old luxury car, but it is very rare, in a beautiful color.

Engine/drive system: 350 or 403 cubic inch overhead valve V8, three-speed automatic, RWD

Location: Sturgeon County, Alberta, Canada

Odometer reading: 128,000 km

Operating mode: It runs and runs well

Buick’s top-of-the-line Electra was downsized for fuel efficiency in 1977, but it was only slightly shorter than the previous model. It was, however, about eight hundred pounds lighter, and that was what made the difference in economy. The big 455 cubic inch engine was retired, replaced by Oldsmobile’s Buick 350 or 403 cubic inch engine, itself replacing the Olds “Rocket”. The seller has not specified which engine is in this car.

The Park Road was the top of the range for the Electra, loaded with comfort and convenience features and featuring luxury seats designed by Flexsteel. We joke about cars like this being a “living room on wheels,” but in this case, that’s closer to the truth. This one has a little wear on the inside, but still looks very comfortable.

It runs and drives well, according to the seller, and has just 128,000 kilometers (just under 80,000 miles) on the clock. Everything works, and if my old LeSabre is any indication, it’s a fantastic freeway ride. Thirst, indeed; even downsized, I bet it doesn’t do much better than fifteen or sixteen miles to the gallon, but oh so fun.

Tight parking spaces are a bit of a problem; just look how much of that side profile is the door. At least it makes it easier to get into the back seat. I wonder, however, how much the impracticality of long doors was the death knell for cars like this.

These things do not happen at all, there is no dispute. They are huge compared to their interior, inefficient, and have marshmallow driving dynamics. But it’s also unlike anything on the road today. Either one will make a great weekend trip. Which one moves you?

(Image credit: Facebook Marketplace Marketers)